ALRIGHTY THEN.......

Today has been quite interesting I must say. I got a text from my whore ex, and she is giving me my spiderman shirt FINALLY =D oh how I have missed it so (needs to be washed) Im talking to a really amazing person =] bet you can't guess who!! Starts with a RA and ends with a VEN lol My mom got into college again, she is going to be a nursing assistant =] im really proud of her. OH and im getting my tattoo next week sometime =D Its gunna look oh so fiiiine lolol but anywayyyys im actually in a pretty good modd which is funny because I was crying about 5mins ago, god I love moods swings they are the best!..not. Its wendsday so I think im going to throw on my little boy dress shirt and my little boy brown shorts grab my bible and go to church tonight =] Wekiva called the other day to check up on me, they are really surprised on how fast I have improved. Well duh cause im awesome! I dont remember if I blogged about this alread, but if I did I shall again mwhahahaha! Well we don't have money for christmas presants so my mom is having us wrap up something we have already that we love. and Im going to wrapp up my skimboard! Im going to put tat bit under the tree and on christmas day! im gunna tear into that presant! ecause not only will I et what I want, I get what I wanted! woop! and then I thought it would be fun to mail myself a christmas card and put my dollor I have in it =] and for my stocking stuffer im putting wax(for my board of course) and my transformer! oh my gosh! I can NOT wait until christmas....and guess what Im getting for my Birthday?!?!?! come on guess!......A SKIMBOARD =D hell yeah! lol wow how I love my personality =] I dont even know how many smiley faces I have put hahaha. SOOOOO still haven't found a job LAME god people hire me! Im a good worker and I go in on days off! =] THOUGH aside from all the laughing children icecream and unicorns my days yesterday was turned sour. My dad had the nerve to try and add me on facebook, what a retard. oh yeah! woo im gunna accept my dad's friend request because he hasn't been there for me in years! =D uh no =] I denied that peice!! (shut up I cant spell) butttt um I don't really know what else OH YEAH! lmao wellll I drew up some real cool tats for my friend, he said I could be his tattoo artist BOOM! and the ones I drew are way sick...literally they are nasty! lol but thats what the dude wanted...(freak) uuuuum OH im going to my friends show on the 27th wooop! And im staying the night at my hommie G dog erzabets house! =D and we are going to watch our pointless videos eat pop tarts then watch out cold!



I'am greatful for....

1. being able to smile
2. having teeth to smile with
3. having hands and fingers because i need them too.....write =D
4. My mom ofcourse
5. my dog smudge, he never yells or puts me down...though he bites me sometimes, but he has mood swings so he loves me 5min later
6. Jesus
7. my heart, or I would be dead
8. being able to love an imperfect person perfectly
9. cookie dough so i can eat it =D

Past few days....

Have been everywhere, I am gettin g to the point where I don't even know what days I do what. But anyway, I made one of the biggest mistakes Ive made in a long time. I jumped to a conclusion that I should never had made, I made a complete fool out of myself and acted like a fifteen year old. I have no excuses for the way I acted, I put my past in my present like I use to and for that slip moment I did I might have lost the most amazing girl I ave ever met. "Don't speak with anger, because it will be the best speach you will regret" My pastor was right about that. Im not perfect and I never will be, and its hard not to jump to a conclusion when you don't know whats going on. Ive been thinking about Lindsey alot and about how embarressed and stupid I feel for acting the way that I did. I don't want her out of my life, even if we don't get into a relationship, yes I was happy before I met her, but after I got to know her and see her everyday it was a bit different. She isn't like anyone I have met in my entire life, and it's true. I have never had someone tell me to "stop fucking crying and to stop being a selfish bitch." I'm going to remember that day most likely for the rest of my life. I can hear her say it in my head when ever something doen't seem to go my way. As corny as it may sound to any of you reading this, she is a main reason why I' even on this computer typing all of this down. She knows why. And just by me being immature and juvenille I may not get a second chance, maybe I will, maybe im thinking about this too much, maybe I'm not. Really, when I do something and it hurts a relationship between me and someone I care about I will do anything and everything to show that person I care and that Im genuinly sorry until that person tells me I don't have a chance and that I blew it.....


well besides my nasty gross missunderstanding, elizabeth and I documented what we do together which is...nothing ha. We made three videos with no point to them what so ever, but they are the funniest things I have ever watched. Bailey and Erica came over last night and we showed them are most recent, which is eating mac and cheese while watching goonies and being dumb ha. They didn't laugh...big surprise lol. Though Elizabeth and I were laughing until tears were coming out of our eyes. After we watched 30 mins of us doing nothing we left and went to play pool and Qball, which was...a fail ha. Elizabeth and I against James and Bailey...me and elizabeth lost lol we only made in two balls the whole game. After a bit we got tired of losing and Erica, elizabeth and I played darts, and I won three times, elizabeth won three times, and Erica won once lol. After that James left, and Bailey and Erica left outside and sat in the jeep while Elizabeth and I sat at a table and watched the UFC championship, which I might add was fucking EPIC! Ohh this cocky ass guy got his ass beaaat by this skinny dude, it was amazing. He did this kick right in his face! We also did this punching game where you punch this punchy thingy to see how hard you punch. I punched second hardest and got a score of 700 something and bailey got 800 something...I could still take her =]



What I'am greatful for...

1.My life
2.my insight
3.knowing when I do something wrong
4.My ability to admit that I did something wrong
5.haing a brain..even if it doesn't always work

GOOD MORNING....

wooooorld =] I woke up in the best mood evaaa, thank god lol. Today is going to be a great day fo sho! Im going to help my cousin and her husband move into their new appt. then Im going to stay the night at my old best best frieds house who I havent seen in almost 4 years! im sooo excited. =D Im bloging now because im not going to beable to later soo yeah. Yesterday I filled out like 13 or so applications, I need/want a job so badd. My mom and I might be putting money off to the side to get our own place, then just leave the men to do whatev because im sick of seeing my mom unhappy everyday, she fakes it everyday and I know it, because I did it for 12 years. BUT im getting a car first =] lol



Iam greatful for....

1. my mom
2. my life
3. the people I have in my life
4. my experiances
5. mistakes I have made

This weekend....

Started out alright, but got a bit sour, but it started to look up. My good friend Elizabeth asked if I wanted to to our friend Jhons house on friday, so ofcourse I went! I rode with my sisters bf's cousin and my sister to his house and follwed Jake. When we got there it was really awsome seeing everyone agian that I haven't seen in months because of being in rehab. It was a bit hard being there though because I use to go there to just get fucked up and stoned out of my mind. There was drugs everywhere, and everyone was offering me some and asking me to just do a lil. But I said no, to be honest I really wanted to...but I had to say no. Im glad that I did say no, because there was other "stuff" there that was offered to me that I was curious about, but I can't let myself get the best of me, if that makes sence. It sounds weird but its like I have an evil twin. I don't really want to explian, but yeah, im trying so hard not to give into temptations and im really proud of myself. But anyways I had a great weekend out of my house out of mind.


Iam thankful for...

1. my strength
2. Will power
3. being able to say "no" to myself
4. Being able to say "no" to others
5. My new way of how I think
6. How nothing really gets to me anymore
7. My diffrent out look of life

Extended version =D

OKAY so last night I got realllllly bored so I decided to add on to the song I made. The quality isn't that great and it freezes in some parts,not to mention a "DERRR" moment =] besides that enjoy my supurb singing lol

Lindsey's song:

Lindsey's song

I hope you had a great birthday baby. And I hope you enjoy this song, which is by the way called, Lindsey's song =] lol soooo here it goessss......

So...

I haven't posted in a while because i have been sick for forever! I have just been in bed and out of bed because I can't stand being in bed =] I really suck at getting better, I hate just laying around, but Im going to have to more these days because of my sinus infection, and I might have Bronchitus which is so amazing....but yeah I have been thinking alot about alot of things. Some in deapth so not as much. I have been thinking alot about Lindsey, though I do all the time, I have just been thinking about her alott more. I know what it takes to love someone, and I do NOT let people in very easy, I have never given my entire heart to anyone I have dated and I never fully trusted any of them, my walls were always up I would never let them down. These days I really don't feel as scared as I use to. My walls are actually crumbling more and more everyday. It leaves me vunerable, but its alowing me to really love someone. Everyone deserves to be loved it doesn't matter who you are. I can say that Iam holding ALOT back when it comes to loving her. I hold back because I don't want to scare her. I don't know why Im afraid of that, Im guess I just don't want her to run away. And I see alot of me in her, all the good things I see in her reflect all the good I have in me. I really never thought I would feel this way. I can't say 'again' because I haven't felt the way I do now before. I hate holding back, but I just feel like I have to right now. 'I love you' 'I don't think you know who you love'Well Im pretty sure I do know who I love. You know the things they have done, their past...I didn't fall for your past or mistakes or things you've done. I fell for that person. Their personality, how they can make me laugh, give me butterflies and make my stomach drop everytime I see her face, everything good I see in them that they can't see. The way she calls me 'babe' or 'baby' I do not say I love you unless I mean it, and when I do say it its real. Im done with the bullshit, Im done with the litte girls who don't know what they want and don't want to just settle down. I know what I want I know what I want to do, and I know who I would like to do that with. But I don't think she really knows how much I do love her, or will allow her self to see. I know she is scared, im scared also, but when you love someone and you really want to be with that person, and they are worth it, you close your eyes count to 10 and go head first with no turning back. If their was any way in this world for me to just grab her and shake her and tell her 'I love you dammit!' I would. Im not one to give up, I never give up on people I know have potential, and expessialy if I deeply truley care about that person. I will continue to keep trying to drill into her head that I do care very deeply for her. I do love her, I don't say it often because I don't want her to be freaked out or not believe me at all. And I don't want to vocalize it until she is ready to say it herself. Because writig it and saying it are two diffrent things to me. Saying it to someone is more intimant in my opinion. I feel like I should be telling her that I love her everyday, but I feel like she doesn't want me to. I know she wants to love me, its plain as day, but I also know she wont let herself. And that doesn't change how I feel about her at all in anyway. Love has not boundries, it has no limitations, and it is hard as hell! But if you don't let yourself love, you haven't lived. I know it will take some time, and im willing to do whatever it takes to get her to love me.

well now that I have just word vomited, I hope none of that will be taken the wrong way or something.


Iam greatful for....

1.Havng someone who cares about me as much as Lindsey does.
2.Being alive
3.Girls being on this earth
4.Family
5.Having all of my extremities

Your perfect for me

So there is this girl.....

Lindsey Blair <3




Give me your shaking hands girl,
and let me take you away from here
I close my eyes,
and your face is the only thing I see
Let me pull you close to me
Let me wrap my arms around you
I'll whisper in your ear the words that we both want to say

I can see your scared
Im scared too
Oh baby give me your shaking hands,
and let me take you away from here
My love has no limitations
And my heart beats for you

Your the smile I want to come home too
Your the one I want to be close too when im fast asleep
Your the face I want to see first thing in the morning
Your the lips I want to kiss
Your the one I want to love forever
Everyday that passes my love only grows stronger

My grip on you is going to stay strong
When you stray I will pull you back to me
If your scared and want to run away
Run away into my arms, let me hold you
Never a day goes by that I don't think of you
No words could express the way I feel when my eyes lock to yours

Give me your shaking hands girl,
and let me take you away from here
I close my eyes,
and your face is the only thing I see
Let me pull you close to me
Let me wrap my arms around you
I'll whisper in your ear the words that we both want to say

I can see your scared
Im scared too
Oh baby give me your shaking hands,
and let me take you away from here
My love has no limitations
And my heart beats for you

Your my princess
I want to be your knight in shining armor
Reach my hand out toward you and smile
Your smile warms my heart
I'll pull you to me,
and we will leave this world behind

Let me love you baby
Let me keep you close to my heart always
Let me be the one to catch you when you fall
Let me hold you in my arms
Let me whisper in your ear that everything is alright
Let me be the one who loves you like no other
Let me promise you that your heart is a precious to me as the first breath of a newborn baby

Give me your shaking hands girl,
and let me take you away from here
I close my eyes,
and your face is the only thing I see
Let me pull you close to me
Let me wrap my arms around you
I'll whisper in your ear the words that we both want to say

todayyy.........

WAS AMAZING! its still not over yet lol its like 2:30pm BUT so far it has been great =] I woke up this morning made myself an omlet that was SCRUMDIDLYUPSHIS! lol then I took a shower, then I cleaned my whoooole bathroom haha, EVERYTHING in there is effin clean yess siiiir! then the rest of the day I just did stuff for my mom so she didn't have to do anything at all today, she does so much for us, so we wanted to give back =] Later on I went outside and skateboarded, let me tell ya.....I DESTROYED those tricks mayyyne! =D and I almost landed a kick-flip, I was sooo close! But I did land and 180 ollie to an ollie to a 180 again then to a manual =] Yea hate on it ;] anyways, Yes I busted my ass =]


I'am greatful for....

1. Being alive
2. Having something to believe in
3. To have my faith back
4. Being closer to Jesus
5. Having a girl that cares about me more than anything
6. Being able to say im truely happy
7. Being able to still love with all my heart

Okay so...

I missed an entrie yesterday O.0 oopsy =D anyways. Today I coined out of therapy and it was really emotional for me. I ended up crying at everything the women said to me...I didn't realize how many people I had touched in those two weeks of IOP. I won't forget my posotive experiances at Wekiva, and I'll bring everything I learned with me and apply it to my everyday life. I'm in a better mental and spirtual place in my life now, and I haven't been this way for a very very long time. I just have to say tat I'm glad I got Chandra back, Ive missed her alot =]


I'am greatful for...

1. My improving mental health
2. The support system I have
3. Inspiring people in my life
4. Having my life
5. My courage
6. My strength

Church...

Was really great, I haven't been in so long and it was very intense, I almost cried a couple times. AND I acually dressed up to go =] haha I looked like a little 12 year old boy. After church we went home and I found my sister here! lol she went to Bailey's holloweenie party last night (I didn't go)and I guess they had a good time =] Im glad, I just stayed up and talked to Lindsey all night, but I'm real okay with that =] ANYWAYS im feeling really great today and I have been the past few days, which is great, I think I might actually be showing my mom im going to be alright. I know I'll do fine, I just have to get her to see that as well. HOPEFULLY I'll be getting my tattoo soon. I was going to get it on my chest, but I think im going with down my side.


I'am greatful for...

1. Having amazing friends thats are supportive
2. My physical health
3. GOD
4. Jesus's unconditional love for me
5. Jails
6. crime detectives
7. having a house to live in
8. the clothes on my back

I decided to have a sing along =]

For Lindsey <3shawny