IM FUCKING TIRED!.....

of living in thes godforsaken house! Im not staying here any longer, once i get my pay check around christamas im out, im leaving and I dont give a FLYING FUCK i refuse to live in this goddam house, im an adult and I will NOT be treated like a fucking child! this is stopping and my stepdad can jump off a cliff because no one cares, i sure as hell don't. Im getting my mom we are leaving end of story and she has to say in it, if she doent want to leave then im leaving her behind, because im not risking my mental well being anoy longer.

GO TO......

HELL! I reallllly fucking wish you werde not in my life right now, you drive me insane. Your a peice of shit and I would send you to hell myself if I could. All you that will be like "Oh you don't mean it, your just mad" well fuck you. I mean every single word and I will NOT take any of it back. I put my dad out of my life, but he is still around, in my head. He haunts me there all the time, and I can never make him go away. He says he doesn't know what he did wrong. BULLSHIT that fucker knows exactly what he did and he isnt going to suck me into his pathetic pity party like he did my sister and most likley my brother. My dad is good with manipulation, which in other words, brainwash. fuck him. My sister says that im blowoing stuff out of context, well fuck her, because she didn't fucking go threw what i went threw! she wasn't living in her own personal hell forfucking 12 years! stuck in a black hole with no way out, the most alone in a crowded room. I dont know what im suppose to do. But if it has to be cutting my family from my life then fine, because im done with bullshit. Im not taking it from anyone, and im not taking it from them.

ONTOP of that my pills are running low and im having freak out sessions. I was feeling impulsive and distructive earlier, but I took a walk instead. im on the verge of exploding, but im trying to keep it under control because ill either hurt myself or someone else, and I dont want to do either.

Yippity dooo dahh....

WELLLLLLLLLL im in a great mood and I just woke up about5 mins ago =D lol! any whozer Last night I went to go see New moon with bailey, its was awsome! wayyy better than the first one, Idk know why people did think it was that great. But yeah about my last post, I come to find out that I was feeling like shit because my room look like a war zone. I cleaned my room and holy hell I was better =O And I forgot to put what im greatful for >.o But its okay,I'll come back to it. wellldadada Idk..uhmmm OH YEAH 1 gfhkjhgskd >.< My freind patrick who is doing my tatto finally GOT THE INK! yessss. So I WANT to get it done today and indure the pain, just get it over with fooo shooo, im fucking excited. Its going to hurt like a bitch.

honesty is the best policy....

So I have been annoyed lately by really no reason, I havent cleaned my room or folded my clothes. I'm more distant except with Erin, I don't really feel like talking to anyone...I know what all of this means, and it doesn't mean fairy tale stories. I'm getting back to being depressed, I know I'm relapsing, and I honestly don't know why I'am. I haven't been that upset about anything. I know I need to get my act together or Im going to end up back in the syco( idc I spelled it wrong fuck you) House again. Yeah right I'am NOT doing that bullshit again. I need to call my doctor, I think I need my meds. regulated again...I have been thinking alot about some stuff though mostly my dad, but other things to..so I lied I do know why I'm relasping, oops. My dad is a dick head to say it lightly, I honestly can say I hope he drops dead and stays the fuck out of my life, and you know what? I don't regeret saying it. I have also started thinking about Dan again...everytime I do it makes my stomach drop and I feel sick and anxious. It's the scariest thing having repressed memories come in to your mind again, kinda like how it was when special K (Kat) would say I'm her grand daughter...poor distract crazy women. I wish I never remembered what hapened to me when I was little, I wish I didn't have his face pop up into my head, smell him or remember what he looks like, not only that, but the fact he is still roaming around, when I could have put him in jail, but I was little and scared.

I wrote him a letter in rehab, and it helped alot, I cried threw almost the whole thing though, and about four more days after. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I'm not sure if I can get off. I hate bringing up my bi-polar and borderline...but it plays a big part of why I act the ways I do, I have more problems, but I don't feel like typing them all. I try not to blame it on those two things, and I don't I don't use them as excuses, I just let people know that I'm really not that stable yet, and that I'm going to be plagued with these diseases for my whole life. My borderline is the sacriest because I mood swing worse than my bi-polar and it just drives me ompletely insane. If you dont know what BPS is, google it, cuz its hard to explain. I don't really want to bore you with my problems and what not, but I like getting things out in the open.

I have been very up front lately, I speak without thinking, and I honestly don't care when I should. I just figure I need to be front with people and let them no how I feel, Why beat around the bush when its eventually going to come out anyway, might as well just spew it out. Though I do know that I should keep somethings to myself and I ussually do. I don't want to come off as a bitch, because I'm not one, I'm just just being a door and not the door mat who welcomes everyone, I can lock and close the door and open it when I want to.

Today I'm going to clean my room and fold my clothes vaccum and do the dishes. It will kepp my mind busy, but I get manic, but w.e it happends. When I clean oddly I fel alot better, and I think I might creat something out of nothing with my pencil.( You can make anything with a paper and pencil, draw a line and the possiblities are endless, you can make that line into anything you want, there is no restrictions what so ever ) Well ima put what I'm grateful for later if I don't forget lol!

CRAZYYY.....

fuckers. SO I got a job on tuesday =] quit today =O why you ask? well in simple terms they are fucking crazy! you have to be crazy, or have no life to work for scott alarm. Work everyday, knock on 100 doors BY saturday?! hahaha! yeah right buddy. so yeah whatevs, I still get paid for training so BOOYA!

But aside from that everything has been pretty dandy. My girl Erin (jenna) is EFFING amazing, js annnnnd pft to you. I have this rash some of you have heard me say, yeah well! its an allergic reaction and it only took 2 weeks for my parents to take it seriously! YAYYY! go parents....no. Im stressed out from it and my room looks like a war zone. I got a good book today its blunt and witty its amazing how every other work is fuck,dick,sex, and fuck =] great book. Been hanging out with my friend Erikaaa havent talked in a long time, its cool to catch up and shizz. uhhhm this blog is going to suck because i forgot all I wa goin to write..nope lost it, damn!
anyways.......



Iam greatful for.....

1. H@) (h20) eff you i was holding down shift, moving on......
2. choco-late milk =D
3. pizza
4. being alive
5. taste buds
6. girls...sexy girls ;]

OKAYYYYY.......

this video pretty much somes up my day in simplest terms =] you will find out what that is soon. Uhmmmm i dont really have much to write about D= so I guess just watch my lame ass =D





What I'am greatful for....

1. mac and cheese!
2. egg sandwiches with erzabit
3. bikes
4. skimboards
5. skateboards
6. snowboards!!!!!!!!!
7. my friends
8. my aussie girl =]

Tonight.......

I figured something out. It's something I have been thinking about alot though, ever since I was a little kid actually. I have had a number of people tell me how they are drawn to me, and how there is a certian light and comfort they feel when they are around me or speak with me. I use to think it was weird, and just brushed it off. But now that I think about it, I have been that way my whole life. Ever since I was very little I have been able to know good and bad. At the age of two my mom told me that I knew what it meant when someone died. I never sat with the younger kids, I was always around the adults. i'am not exactly sure why, but there is a reason for everything. You know how everyone has a path, or a plan set out for them. Well I think I know what mine is, some people don't know why there here on earth, or what their reason is. Mine. I have always had people swarm around me, I made friends easlily and I always made people laugh, and they were always happy around me. Now that I'm older the same stuff still happends, just a bit more diffrent. I think my reason for being here is to make people happy, in simple terms. It comes so natural to me to be caring and just big hearted. As cocky as this may sound to anyone that is reading this, every girl that I have talked to, has fallen for me atleast within acouple weeks, days sometimes. Some people would kill to have that happen, but in all honesty, I don't want every girl I talk to to fall for me right away, But I honestly don't think thats going to happen, and thats fine.

You know people take life for granted everyday, I use to take it for granted everyday for 12 years. I had some problems and still do, and if you don't know what those problems are, then there is prob. a reason. And if by chance you do know, wellI good for you. Aside form why I think I'm here I wanna talk about how I'am I guess you could put it. If you were to ask me to give advice on a relationship...yeah just don't because I suck at that advice. But if its something that has to do with being insightful? That is something I excel in, I got an 'A' =] lol. I mean you don't know what tomorrow brings, you may not even make it till tomorrow, so stop worrying about the past and your future, and think about to day. Your alive, breathing...your past is the past it will never change. The future is unpredictable, it is always changing. Today is today and live it to the fullest. I just wanted to get all of this out so that it doesn't get crampe in my brain, only who knows how much can actually fit in there haha. Just remember, its your book,and today is your first chapter. Once you start writing that book instead of talking about it, you start to live it. No one but you can write your book, its yours, no one elses. So why don't you stop talking about doing something and get off your ass and make it happen!



What I'am greatful for....

1. Jesus
2. good family
3. friends that care about me
4. people who love me
5. my ability to let things roll off my back
6. my insight