Who am I?

Now the title to this post could be miss leading, I know who I'am, but a lot of you don't.

I have been Identifying as Shawn/Shawny for almost over 4 years now. I started having people call me by a more male name when I was in 10th grade. Up until a couple months ago did I start identifying openly to other people as male. I think back to when I was younger and look through photos of when i lived my life as a female, and it makes me sad kinda. The reason it makes me sad is because once I got to the age of 7 I started to HATE wearing dresses and girls clothing, but I was "forced" to wear girl clothes, because I was told thats how girls dress. When I was that age I didn't really know why I felt the ways that I did, but I did know that I wanted to be a boy. I remember standing in line outside getting ready to walk into school, I was about 7 or 8 and my friends were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up, and I turned around and said that I wanted to be a boy when I grew up. They all looked at me and started saying that they would want to be a boy to once, just to see what it would be like. I remember standing there thinking that I wanted nothing more than to be a boy and to have boy parts. Up until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade I had very long hair, my dad loved it long, I liked it long too. When I got my first hair cut I cried because I knew my dad would be upset that it was gone. I kept it short for a bit then wanted it long again.

The first time I found myself attracted to a girl was when I was in 3rd grade. It didn't feel wrong or weird, it felt natural. I was labeled as a huge tomboy. At recess I would go play kickball, football, baseball, run around and get dirty and play with my guy friends. I played with the girl friends I had and it was fun, but I also felt kind of confused. Once I started to get older and hit puberty I didn't think anything of it. I was raised in a very very small town where no one was openly gay, or trans gendered, any thing like that. After I graduated 5th grade I moved to Florida with my mom, my sister and my brother. 6th grade was by far the worst year of my life. I wore baggy clothes all the time with boy vests or large shirts, I hated wearing a bra, but of course I had to because of the growth on my chest. I was picked on and teased very badly through 6th grade and dreaded going to school, I started to skip school and just not go. After awhile I started to dress in more girlish clothes just to stop from being picked on, it didn't work really. I was called a lesbian and weird and all kinds of names. Outside of school I dressed the way I wanted, though my mom was not all that okay with it. I would try to fit in my brothers clothes and when I couldn't pull his shorts up over my waist I became depressed because I had hips. I remember playing outside when I was 12 and dressing in baggy pants and a baggy shirt, I put all my hair up in a ponytail and tucked it into a hat so it looked like I had no hair. I rode my skateboard to the end of my road and skated at the sidewalk. A lady went by in a car and made the comment "Young man, get out of the rode" The feelings that I felt when I heard that was like having butterflies all around in your stomach right before you kiss a girl you like, or if your crush sits down next to you and you want to say something, but the butterflies are everywhere and then it feels like your floating. That is the best way I can think of describing the way I felt.

I got my first boyish hair cut when I was in the 10th grade. My sister had short hair, but it was in a pixy cut. I looked at my mom and said I wanted shorter hair and she said no. I told her that I wasn't fair that my sister got to have short hair, and she was straight, and that because im "gay" its not right. She let me cut it, and I had it short ever since. All this time of dressing and acting like a boy, I had no full understanding of what Trans gendered meant. Like I said earlier I was raised in a veryyyyyy small town and didn't really know about things like that. To me I was just a "lesbian" because I like girls. But about being a lesbian labels came with it. Like butch, dyke and femmie. I never identified myself as either of these.

Im 20 now and live my life as a trans guy. I told my ex that sometimes I would put my dildo in my pants to make it look like I had a bulge and she looked at me and asked me if I was trans gendered and I shook my head, I didn't know what it meant to be trans gendered or to be FtM. But she was the first person ever to ask me, and after that everything started to click and fit together. That how i was had a name in a since and that I wasn't the only one, and that I wasn't a freak, I was just simply born into the wrong body and raised as the wrong gender. And now as a 20 year old person I live my life everyday as a male to the best of my own ability.

Wonderful

May 7th 2010 Nicki and I adopted a 3yr. old pit, her name is 'Paige'. She is a wonderful dog and is very unique...oh did i mention she is deaf? I have never owned a deaf dog, let alone my own dog. It's funny taking her for walks and other dogs bark at her, she just looks at them, she can't hear them ha.

I haven't blogged for awhile, mainly due to the fact that I didn't have internet until a few days ago. Yesterday my bet friend and her boy friend moved out, thats all i'm saying about that. Well cheers to another short post lol, but I think I'm going to end this in a different and familiar way.


What Iam greatful for:

My fiance
Family I can trust to be there for me
Paige' our baby
Having a roof over my head
Having a job
STABILITY

New year

Im sitting on the couch with my cell phone blogging, my fiance is sitting next to me going threw internet and cable booklets and making pancakes :) law and order SVU is on...we just got cable installed and internet woop!