Who am I?

Now the title to this post could be miss leading, I know who I'am, but a lot of you don't.

I have been Identifying as Shawn/Shawny for almost over 4 years now. I started having people call me by a more male name when I was in 10th grade. Up until a couple months ago did I start identifying openly to other people as male. I think back to when I was younger and look through photos of when i lived my life as a female, and it makes me sad kinda. The reason it makes me sad is because once I got to the age of 7 I started to HATE wearing dresses and girls clothing, but I was "forced" to wear girl clothes, because I was told thats how girls dress. When I was that age I didn't really know why I felt the ways that I did, but I did know that I wanted to be a boy. I remember standing in line outside getting ready to walk into school, I was about 7 or 8 and my friends were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up, and I turned around and said that I wanted to be a boy when I grew up. They all looked at me and started saying that they would want to be a boy to once, just to see what it would be like. I remember standing there thinking that I wanted nothing more than to be a boy and to have boy parts. Up until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade I had very long hair, my dad loved it long, I liked it long too. When I got my first hair cut I cried because I knew my dad would be upset that it was gone. I kept it short for a bit then wanted it long again.

The first time I found myself attracted to a girl was when I was in 3rd grade. It didn't feel wrong or weird, it felt natural. I was labeled as a huge tomboy. At recess I would go play kickball, football, baseball, run around and get dirty and play with my guy friends. I played with the girl friends I had and it was fun, but I also felt kind of confused. Once I started to get older and hit puberty I didn't think anything of it. I was raised in a very very small town where no one was openly gay, or trans gendered, any thing like that. After I graduated 5th grade I moved to Florida with my mom, my sister and my brother. 6th grade was by far the worst year of my life. I wore baggy clothes all the time with boy vests or large shirts, I hated wearing a bra, but of course I had to because of the growth on my chest. I was picked on and teased very badly through 6th grade and dreaded going to school, I started to skip school and just not go. After awhile I started to dress in more girlish clothes just to stop from being picked on, it didn't work really. I was called a lesbian and weird and all kinds of names. Outside of school I dressed the way I wanted, though my mom was not all that okay with it. I would try to fit in my brothers clothes and when I couldn't pull his shorts up over my waist I became depressed because I had hips. I remember playing outside when I was 12 and dressing in baggy pants and a baggy shirt, I put all my hair up in a ponytail and tucked it into a hat so it looked like I had no hair. I rode my skateboard to the end of my road and skated at the sidewalk. A lady went by in a car and made the comment "Young man, get out of the rode" The feelings that I felt when I heard that was like having butterflies all around in your stomach right before you kiss a girl you like, or if your crush sits down next to you and you want to say something, but the butterflies are everywhere and then it feels like your floating. That is the best way I can think of describing the way I felt.

I got my first boyish hair cut when I was in the 10th grade. My sister had short hair, but it was in a pixy cut. I looked at my mom and said I wanted shorter hair and she said no. I told her that I wasn't fair that my sister got to have short hair, and she was straight, and that because im "gay" its not right. She let me cut it, and I had it short ever since. All this time of dressing and acting like a boy, I had no full understanding of what Trans gendered meant. Like I said earlier I was raised in a veryyyyyy small town and didn't really know about things like that. To me I was just a "lesbian" because I like girls. But about being a lesbian labels came with it. Like butch, dyke and femmie. I never identified myself as either of these.

Im 20 now and live my life as a trans guy. I told my ex that sometimes I would put my dildo in my pants to make it look like I had a bulge and she looked at me and asked me if I was trans gendered and I shook my head, I didn't know what it meant to be trans gendered or to be FtM. But she was the first person ever to ask me, and after that everything started to click and fit together. That how i was had a name in a since and that I wasn't the only one, and that I wasn't a freak, I was just simply born into the wrong body and raised as the wrong gender. And now as a 20 year old person I live my life everyday as a male to the best of my own ability.

Wonderful

May 7th 2010 Nicki and I adopted a 3yr. old pit, her name is 'Paige'. She is a wonderful dog and is very unique...oh did i mention she is deaf? I have never owned a deaf dog, let alone my own dog. It's funny taking her for walks and other dogs bark at her, she just looks at them, she can't hear them ha.

I haven't blogged for awhile, mainly due to the fact that I didn't have internet until a few days ago. Yesterday my bet friend and her boy friend moved out, thats all i'm saying about that. Well cheers to another short post lol, but I think I'm going to end this in a different and familiar way.


What Iam greatful for:

My fiance
Family I can trust to be there for me
Paige' our baby
Having a roof over my head
Having a job
STABILITY

New year

Im sitting on the couch with my cell phone blogging, my fiance is sitting next to me going threw internet and cable booklets and making pancakes :) law and order SVU is on...we just got cable installed and internet woop!

IM FUCKING TIRED!.....

of living in thes godforsaken house! Im not staying here any longer, once i get my pay check around christamas im out, im leaving and I dont give a FLYING FUCK i refuse to live in this goddam house, im an adult and I will NOT be treated like a fucking child! this is stopping and my stepdad can jump off a cliff because no one cares, i sure as hell don't. Im getting my mom we are leaving end of story and she has to say in it, if she doent want to leave then im leaving her behind, because im not risking my mental well being anoy longer.

GO TO......

HELL! I reallllly fucking wish you werde not in my life right now, you drive me insane. Your a peice of shit and I would send you to hell myself if I could. All you that will be like "Oh you don't mean it, your just mad" well fuck you. I mean every single word and I will NOT take any of it back. I put my dad out of my life, but he is still around, in my head. He haunts me there all the time, and I can never make him go away. He says he doesn't know what he did wrong. BULLSHIT that fucker knows exactly what he did and he isnt going to suck me into his pathetic pity party like he did my sister and most likley my brother. My dad is good with manipulation, which in other words, brainwash. fuck him. My sister says that im blowoing stuff out of context, well fuck her, because she didn't fucking go threw what i went threw! she wasn't living in her own personal hell forfucking 12 years! stuck in a black hole with no way out, the most alone in a crowded room. I dont know what im suppose to do. But if it has to be cutting my family from my life then fine, because im done with bullshit. Im not taking it from anyone, and im not taking it from them.

ONTOP of that my pills are running low and im having freak out sessions. I was feeling impulsive and distructive earlier, but I took a walk instead. im on the verge of exploding, but im trying to keep it under control because ill either hurt myself or someone else, and I dont want to do either.

Yippity dooo dahh....

WELLLLLLLLLL im in a great mood and I just woke up about5 mins ago =D lol! any whozer Last night I went to go see New moon with bailey, its was awsome! wayyy better than the first one, Idk know why people did think it was that great. But yeah about my last post, I come to find out that I was feeling like shit because my room look like a war zone. I cleaned my room and holy hell I was better =O And I forgot to put what im greatful for >.o But its okay,I'll come back to it. wellldadada Idk..uhmmm OH YEAH 1 gfhkjhgskd >.< My freind patrick who is doing my tatto finally GOT THE INK! yessss. So I WANT to get it done today and indure the pain, just get it over with fooo shooo, im fucking excited. Its going to hurt like a bitch.

honesty is the best policy....

So I have been annoyed lately by really no reason, I havent cleaned my room or folded my clothes. I'm more distant except with Erin, I don't really feel like talking to anyone...I know what all of this means, and it doesn't mean fairy tale stories. I'm getting back to being depressed, I know I'm relapsing, and I honestly don't know why I'am. I haven't been that upset about anything. I know I need to get my act together or Im going to end up back in the syco( idc I spelled it wrong fuck you) House again. Yeah right I'am NOT doing that bullshit again. I need to call my doctor, I think I need my meds. regulated again...I have been thinking alot about some stuff though mostly my dad, but other things to..so I lied I do know why I'm relasping, oops. My dad is a dick head to say it lightly, I honestly can say I hope he drops dead and stays the fuck out of my life, and you know what? I don't regeret saying it. I have also started thinking about Dan again...everytime I do it makes my stomach drop and I feel sick and anxious. It's the scariest thing having repressed memories come in to your mind again, kinda like how it was when special K (Kat) would say I'm her grand daughter...poor distract crazy women. I wish I never remembered what hapened to me when I was little, I wish I didn't have his face pop up into my head, smell him or remember what he looks like, not only that, but the fact he is still roaming around, when I could have put him in jail, but I was little and scared.

I wrote him a letter in rehab, and it helped alot, I cried threw almost the whole thing though, and about four more days after. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I'm not sure if I can get off. I hate bringing up my bi-polar and borderline...but it plays a big part of why I act the ways I do, I have more problems, but I don't feel like typing them all. I try not to blame it on those two things, and I don't I don't use them as excuses, I just let people know that I'm really not that stable yet, and that I'm going to be plagued with these diseases for my whole life. My borderline is the sacriest because I mood swing worse than my bi-polar and it just drives me ompletely insane. If you dont know what BPS is, google it, cuz its hard to explain. I don't really want to bore you with my problems and what not, but I like getting things out in the open.

I have been very up front lately, I speak without thinking, and I honestly don't care when I should. I just figure I need to be front with people and let them no how I feel, Why beat around the bush when its eventually going to come out anyway, might as well just spew it out. Though I do know that I should keep somethings to myself and I ussually do. I don't want to come off as a bitch, because I'm not one, I'm just just being a door and not the door mat who welcomes everyone, I can lock and close the door and open it when I want to.

Today I'm going to clean my room and fold my clothes vaccum and do the dishes. It will kepp my mind busy, but I get manic, but w.e it happends. When I clean oddly I fel alot better, and I think I might creat something out of nothing with my pencil.( You can make anything with a paper and pencil, draw a line and the possiblities are endless, you can make that line into anything you want, there is no restrictions what so ever ) Well ima put what I'm grateful for later if I don't forget lol!