honesty is the best policy....

So I have been annoyed lately by really no reason, I havent cleaned my room or folded my clothes. I'm more distant except with Erin, I don't really feel like talking to anyone...I know what all of this means, and it doesn't mean fairy tale stories. I'm getting back to being depressed, I know I'm relapsing, and I honestly don't know why I'am. I haven't been that upset about anything. I know I need to get my act together or Im going to end up back in the syco( idc I spelled it wrong fuck you) House again. Yeah right I'am NOT doing that bullshit again. I need to call my doctor, I think I need my meds. regulated again...I have been thinking alot about some stuff though mostly my dad, but other things to..so I lied I do know why I'm relasping, oops. My dad is a dick head to say it lightly, I honestly can say I hope he drops dead and stays the fuck out of my life, and you know what? I don't regeret saying it. I have also started thinking about Dan again...everytime I do it makes my stomach drop and I feel sick and anxious. It's the scariest thing having repressed memories come in to your mind again, kinda like how it was when special K (Kat) would say I'm her grand daughter...poor distract crazy women. I wish I never remembered what hapened to me when I was little, I wish I didn't have his face pop up into my head, smell him or remember what he looks like, not only that, but the fact he is still roaming around, when I could have put him in jail, but I was little and scared.

I wrote him a letter in rehab, and it helped alot, I cried threw almost the whole thing though, and about four more days after. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I'm not sure if I can get off. I hate bringing up my bi-polar and borderline...but it plays a big part of why I act the ways I do, I have more problems, but I don't feel like typing them all. I try not to blame it on those two things, and I don't I don't use them as excuses, I just let people know that I'm really not that stable yet, and that I'm going to be plagued with these diseases for my whole life. My borderline is the sacriest because I mood swing worse than my bi-polar and it just drives me ompletely insane. If you dont know what BPS is, google it, cuz its hard to explain. I don't really want to bore you with my problems and what not, but I like getting things out in the open.

I have been very up front lately, I speak without thinking, and I honestly don't care when I should. I just figure I need to be front with people and let them no how I feel, Why beat around the bush when its eventually going to come out anyway, might as well just spew it out. Though I do know that I should keep somethings to myself and I ussually do. I don't want to come off as a bitch, because I'm not one, I'm just just being a door and not the door mat who welcomes everyone, I can lock and close the door and open it when I want to.

Today I'm going to clean my room and fold my clothes vaccum and do the dishes. It will kepp my mind busy, but I get manic, but w.e it happends. When I clean oddly I fel alot better, and I think I might creat something out of nothing with my pencil.( You can make anything with a paper and pencil, draw a line and the possiblities are endless, you can make that line into anything you want, there is no restrictions what so ever ) Well ima put what I'm grateful for later if I don't forget lol!